I've been struggling this weekend. The sort of sadness that you recognize as having the potential to lead to something deeper. Mornings where I'd rather stay in bed then get up. Afternoons where I want to watch movies instead of going out. The desire to lose myself in sad music. I think a lot of us have been there.
It's a three day weekend for me, so I can afford to lose myself a little--but only a little. I can't let that sense of exhaustion overurle me because tomorrow morning, I know I will have to get up when my alarm goes off and use whatever core of strength I've got to propel myself to my front door, out into the world, to work. And I know how much energy it will seem to take to do it, but I know I will do it anyway.
I find myself in awe of you who I know struggle sometimes like I do and work for yourselves. If you didn't leave your apt, there'd be no one to answer to. And yet, Lizzie, Ross, Anastasia, Alison, you keep working everyday, for yourselves, rolling the ball forward up the hill. I admire all of your strength.
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I'm sorry you're feeling lousy-when you work for yourself you can hide out more easily-but do you think you're becoming depressed? What steps would you take if you were? As for today, I suggest that you do something really nice for yourself--maybe get a massage? Or take a walk somewhere pretty? Hire someone to clean your apartment? Something really nice. You deserve it.
I remember once passing a group of construction workers while riding a bus and then starting to tremble with anxiety. How did they all manage to get to the site and get to work and keep their jobs without falling apart? I admire your honesty, and the clarity with which you describe such a complicated set of feelings. The fact that you're showing up for work, for life, etc -- is gigantic. I think Lizzie's ideas are great, though. Manage time in small increments. What would the ultimate caretaker do for you? Maybe do one of those things for yourself. Reward youself for fighting invisible dragons.
Inspire Yourself. I have faith in you! : )
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