It’s a saying we hear all of the time and one that has plagued my life for as long as I can remember. The Journey IS the Destination, well as you can tell by the title of this blog it isn’t for me. And I am not talking about not only not enjoying the process of getting somewhere or going through some life change. For me the destination consumes every thought I have to the point where I only focus on what step is next rather than even acknowledge there is a journey involved on any level. The journey typically slams me over the head after a destination is reached and my emotions explode into a major breakdown. Certainly not the best way to enjoy the journey.This past week my girlfriend and I moved from Berkeley, CA to Venice Beach. After we arrived in Venice we were talking about why my mind constantly does this. One of the most obvious places to look is coping mechanisms from something else. Well, I do have bipolar disorder and a good 6-7 years of my life were spent never knowing what would happen next. To cope with the disorder I put myself in an extremely tight structure, where almost every minute of every day was meticulously planned out and obviously that contributes to just focusing on a destination. In a true full circle moment on Sunday I called my dad, much like everyone else, and asked him if he was having a good father’s day. He told me that he has a lot to be thankful for, but so much has gone wrong in the past that sometimes he has trouble being happy for fear of being let down and tries to stay focused on his goals rather than the moments. Hmmm he was like this my whole life, so maybe environment also affects my journey problem. Obviously there are other factors that play a part in this mindset as well.
I have identified the problem, so the next step is to deal with it. I am working on that. I am so close to not feeling the need to walk down escalators! I think one of the biggest things that helps me is that my girlfriend of 4 and a half years lives for journeys. She loves the process of things and really does appreciate a side I don’t often see. This helps balance me and our relationship. My mom is actually the same way with my dad. So that makes a little sense. I started doing yoga to stay a little more in the moment rather than having 4 million thoughts running through my head and will continue to find other things I can do to try and help see the journey a little more. I was wondering if anyone else struggles with this and what you do to make your journey the destination? Also no matter what side you’re on, have you thought about where it comes from?
2 comments:
My first reaction is that you're being really tough on yourself. Moving is stressful and you're really quite perfect exactly as you are. But I understand the changes you're trying to make in your conciousness and it's absolutely worthwhile. The journey isn't many people's destination because we live in a competitive and shallow society that communciates to us that we are not enough and must attain something before we can simply be. I certainly struggle with this kind of obsessive ruminating about the destination---in my relationship and in my work. But my career has taught me that there is no destination. Detour did quite well, and I learned that success is lame. People's praise is addictive and vacuous. People's envy is toxic. Money is a responsibility and it dwindles. On and on and on. What still carries meaning is the making of work. I was just thinking today how satisfied with my efforts with L21 and NMHAC, and how much I enjoy working on a book project, though it's terribly difficult. If any of these commitments turn into huge successes, it'll be a thrill, but, basically, so what. I think I "get" that the journey is the destination more in my work, and it's because I sort of reached a destination and saw that it wasn't real or meaningful. In my personal life, well, that's personal. But let's just say I feel an enormous pressure to "land" with my boyfriend, and I really don't know what THAT's about because we're flying and it's amazing. This is all so philisophical-and metaphorical-but in some ways, we, as humans, just want to be able to finish, we want to finish so badly, but the only real finishing is death. We think that being goal orientated is a way of reaffirming our worth--and yet--our worth was established at birth. Great blog, Ross.
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